Updated: Nov 22, 2019
its happening again. the overwhelming anxiety that comes, suddenly and relentlessly, after "a failed relationship", he called it. it dug its roots into the pit of my stomach and it tickled the back of my throat when things were bad, but i swallowed it whole each and every time with another gulp of a bitter spirit and a quarterly, depraved fuck. i swallowed up the fears and the nay sayings, i disregarded the differences and hardships we would endure and consciously overcame each potential obstacle for a chance at "forever". for one long year, i patiently cultivated a dream and cried myself to sleep alone, clutching a guitar to my chest, wondering when "forever" would start. for twelve months, i feigned smiles and politely declined drinks from strange men who could at least hold my hand, under the guise of deluded love. for one year, i let him cry on my shoulder because he broke me and the guilt consumed him; i accepted half hearted apologies and begged him to be more gentle, i pleaded for the chance to let me love him. for one year, i believed in god and i believed in us. i carried expectations amidst the heavy burden of love, and for the first time, birthed the idea of marrying a man who was nothing and everything like me.
here it comes, the overwhelming anxiety that finally makes its way past the lump in my throat and wraps its tentacles around my neck, squeezing the last of this savage lust out of me, until nothing is left but a grim reality: in one year, i fell in love with a man who decided he couldnt cross a county for me when i crossed a country for him, a man who discarded everything everytime he felt his ego bruise, a man who threw "forever" away at a moment's notice because he was unable to convince himself that i could love him.
what a fuckin tragedy.